Marriage from my perspective is in the summary below. I should add that, its just a summary. If you happen to read this, just take what you will or don't take anything at all. I just write stuff sometimes.
As a veteran "marriager"....okay that's probably not a word. But as a woman and mother who came out of a 18 year marriage which I am proud of even though it ended, I think I have some qualification to be saying stuff that I won't even say. I'll only say some things.
You see, before my separation and eventual divorce, my husband and I agreed we will not speak about each other publicly for the sake of our children. I respect him. I will not speak on him or my marriage. Besides that....I don't want to. That is my past. I have moved on and I am doing better.
That's what life is about. Improvement, because things cannot be undone once it is done. Also, I don't go backwards much in my personal life or relationships as I am not built that way. I am more like, let me take the next step into what makes me feel complete? My answer is God and my family. My ex husband and I are trying to raise our kids as normally as possible and that is a good thing. For them I will try.
Now marriage.......darn you smart people who got it right the first time! We love you guys I hope you know that. I love marrrrrrrriaaaage! I love it. I love when I see a couple getting it right. There is something about it to admire so much. I love a solid union. I love an unbreakable union.
Doesn't it kind of make your mouth drop open? like, how? Here is the secret, there is no how. Marriage is beautiful. Any long term union where there is a partnership based off of love and respect, that is something you have achieved and you should proudly wear it like a banner.
Are you together right now? Are you in love? Did you wake up with your partner? are you still married? are you still in a long term union? then you are meant to be exactly where you are and with the one you are with. Own that.
My opinion is, don't let sadness and negativity envelope your spirit. Protect your partner. Tell them every once in a while how much you love them even if you have said it for the millionth time, make sure its a habit. That it is ingrained in each other.
Fellows...did you hold your partner's hand lately? Not have to make them wonder why you haven't? Hand holds are so special.
Did you kiss your partner and tell him or her you loved them lately?
How about complementing her on that gorgeous rare she has and remind her of the hot reasons you married her? Once a week? Everyday>? no that's too much. I won't pressure you so much.
Did you tell her she was a good mother or woman?
Did you thank her?
Men try to realize how important it is to have a good woman.
All of the above for you too.
Add this one......Did you listen to him? I mean really listen? With your heart and your ears. Did you hear what he said for real?
A marriage can survive anything. Anything at all. Except abuse. That's what I think. Physical, emotional, verbal its all the same abuse. You know what else, remember marriage is the holier than though, it is the holiest of holy, I believe this with my heart, so to take vows under God, and not bring your whole self to the table and speak those vows means you lied to God. You lied to yourself as well.
You took vows to honor and cherish, so lying about yourself in anyway while taking those vows, I don't see how that union can be blessed. This is my opinion. I am God fearing, so I truly believe that God actually personally blesses all unions with love and respect, except the ones based on a lie.
You must be completely open with your partner before taking vows, you must see them completely for who they are. Naked like Adam and Eve. That is the foundation of a solid marriage, anything else can be shaky. The longer you live from the beginning lie, the harder it is to save your marriage so be open with your woman or man from day one. Tell them your inner most fears because marriage requires complete trust. Not halfway.
No one truly knows the variations that makes an abuser. Non abusers who have no qualifications or expertise in abusive behaviors should not try to figure out the cause because you can't, not exactly. They actually have qualified professionals to help with this. Abusers themselves are probably unsure of the pivotal moments they suffered to make them turn around and then abuse others. Sometimes it starts with one pivotal failure in childhood. Their pivotal moments in their lives are not reason for them to turn around and abuse others. There is just simply, absolutely no excuse. None.
It must be that abuse begats abuse, and if an abuser chooses to continue abusing without seeking help, I don't know what happens, but it can't be healthy to live that way continuously, day after day, year after year. So keep your marriage healthy by listening to each other as it really takes two. One person cannot carry the burden of fulfillment when it is designed to be two people carrying that. I cannot imagine the God I serve would want any woman or man to continue in abuse. God is love. I will always believe that.
For those struggling with depression and mental health issues, in LA County, the number is 1-800-854-7771. Check your state and just make sure you have the number in case you or your family member needs it. That is the number for mental health and they have a lot of resources. Also check out my non profit page from time to time. Thanks for reading.
I was pretty much at a job twiddling my thumbs on a slow day. I was working with my co-worker. He was back there twiddling his thumbs too, but he was twiddling with a pen also.
He tapped me on the shoulder and gave me about 8 bars to rap. I found it difficult because every time I rapped it, he made me do it again until I sounded how he would like to hear it. My new song Soundbite is available for streaming in Youtube and Vimeo.
You can purchase the track right here in my website by navigating over to the buy music link. My producer for this track is Grammy nominated Cori Jacobs. I sent out a job offer for a freelance producer and Cori sent in his resume. I checked it out and decided I was going to use his service.
My other featured artist is Erik Spencer, a guitarist and fellow musician, we have toured in the past and I thought it would be awesome to invite him to do the track with me. I'm just only trying to do as well as all the others before me in both my music and my art. Growing up in New York, you know rap. You just do because its apart of the culture here. You know mostly all the rappers and singers. You just do. I know we are fans of each other's work, that's a well known secret, and not even a secret.
Anyone can use or acquire the services of any of my producers or directors you see listed on here. My Socially Inept EP 1 producers are also listed, you can find any one of their work by navigating over to the Socially Inept EP 1 page of this website.
Dr. Ford is great on electronic, popular and classical music, a pianist and drummer, Raz Klinghoffer is a guitarist and great on rock and popular music. If you like any of the Socially Inept EP 1 videos or colors, directors Roger Brian Williams from Ale Ben Aba productions is responsible for the colors and color correction in the Socially Inept EP 1 music videos, and also check out Jordan Avtal who worked with me on two of the music videos and is great with video angles.
My vocal coaches, well I have been to two, my first coach was Nora Doncheva briefly and then I trained with Donna Parsons for my first EP and all my songs. These people are a part of my fabric. They contributed to my art and made me better so I can be who I am. Thanks for reading.
Peeps, below is a book I had started writing just before 2005. All I knew at the time was, "Wouldn't it be nice if I had this in a bound book to read for myself?" So I decided I was going to finish it. I started the task of getting a publisher to even look at it after it was done. No one wanted to publish it citing they aren't really familiar with the genre or they don't do fiction... But to me art is not just about the sale, so I kept asking around.
Well, I'm hopelessly into fiction that is romantic. It's not just any fiction. It's life for me. I write these things and I fall in love with my own writing in my music and in my work. So your singer-songwriter Tracy, is in essence, your fiction writer as well, but romantic fiction. Most authors have their "thing". This is mine besides music.
About "A Simple Arrangement."
This book may be out of print, but if you can get it, happy reading. I'd like to rewrite it and give you a better version as soon as I can. If you have this version of the book, you will just need to get the updated version when it becomes available. It won't be different, just a few corrections and elaborations. I finally got a publisher to look at it and print it for me in 2006 and it was in a bound published version in 2007.
When I had written this book, and finally gotten it in print, I was bragging slightly about it in one of my college classes. My professor looked at me and was saying "Where is the "Black" version"??
Black version? I wish I could tell him, "Sir, that one is also finished and as soon as I find a publisher to take it, it will be right here so everyone can read it too."
My hero is of color in A Simple Arrangement, but to have stuck someone who looked like me on the cover as my heroine would have been untrue to the genre, and to the era. How did I write this? Well, I first read them.
Then it comes as though I am meant to write it. I was meant to write this book and I did. I am so proud of the work to be honest. Back in Jamaica when I was a child going to school, I was told that some of our books came all the way from England.
The English that they gave us in Jamaican schools even though we have patwa an wi chat it yu nu.......English was our way of life, how to write it, spell using it, join it up as in script.... wi call it "joiningup"....so I was able to write this book.
I was and still am also a great admirer of British accents and ball gowns since childhood. Its also the princess cartoons too...all of them. My professor couldn't understand why I would write this way instead of about my own....
But my grandmother who is still here with us, lived in England for 20 plus years I think. I was fascinated with her accent when she came to visit us in Jamaica! I loved the gowns, the eras they inspired in the books I read.
It was all very magical to go to that time in a book or even read about that time in others books....with all those gallant sword fights and knights in shining armors, weren't they sort of always just risking it all for a queen or two or a woman or man they loved? or a throne they wanted? Horses galloping into battle, castles....did I mention castles...or fortresses, either one works. So many other things the genre inspired....like me....the genre inspired me to write my first book.
So I did. I'm glad I did it. I will re-edit this book or work with an editor where one is needed. Its a special book to me. I want to give it to you the right way so I will work on it until I can re-publish at some point.
Regarding my professor....you know what he meant to say was, "Where is your Black version of love? How do you love? How do you think you love? Is it different from my love?" In his own way, he wanted to know for his own reasons. He was curious, because his eyes were wide and he stood there blocking my exit because the bell had gone off like where is it? Will you write one? and not in a bad way...he really wanted to read something that was about my culture. Black culture.
He never told me his reasons for his open curiosity, I'm just guessing, just like I never told him why I had to write this book the way I did. He got his wish, and I got mine. To all the questions I'm guessing he had because I don't know why he said that....but my answer if I were who I am now....then....I would have told him love has no color whatsoever and that I finished one already that I think he might have liked, you can't see love in actuality but you know its there when it decides to make itself known. Then you see it.
My heroine is exactly how and as she should be, my hero is exactly as he should be all from how I see it as an artist or how I decide to portray it in my book. That class though was one of the most important classes I have ever taken in college.
Lastly: I have heard of Notre Dame. The pictures are no less than absolutely stunning and poetic and a reminder of what allows us to share and affect each other, that is love and art.
I will say this....all historical replicas have some sort of history, and yes its history, but imagine if we were born with no blueprints, not even knowing if we belong to the human race or not? We wouldn't know, so rebuilding is what humans do or should be doing. Its one of our natural innate talents, to build and rebuild the important things that are broken.
If something is broken and it can be rebuilt, then do so just for the sake that it is apart of all of us, even across many shores. No matter what took place or how destruction happens, it can be an opportunity...to make it better or put it back. Making better does not always mean grander. Its up to how you wish to rebuild, what vision do you have or what vision do you aspire to use and inspire? I implore you not to be discouraged even though this is seen as a tragic happening, the events that caused the fire, just remember God tests us in many ways.
By "Crasser," I mean procrastination for this post.
That time I slept on a New York subway to avoid apologizing to my mom. I procrastinated. I rode the train overnight. You see, I had rebelled, was rebelling against certain rules that all mothers have.
I wanted to go to prom....but we only had church dresses. Me and my friends had all congregated by one of their houses because her mom had the best dresses I had ever seen. We were all going to borrow one....and my friend let us.
We went to prom in "styleth"...... purposely misspelled. It was me and three others of us looking awesome. We were each other's prom dates as friends as we were best friends. That was one of the best school years of my life!
But, I was not supposed to be enjoying myself like this. If I was going to enjoy myself the best way to do so is under the word of God according to my family.
Reading. Singing praises. Going to church every weekend. Making a difference in the community by passing out encouraging words and pamphlets every weekend. Mandatory.
Going to church and then going out into the community with all the church members to preach and encourage youth every weekend.
Might I add, I was too cool, so I knew my school acquaintances were passing up and down the popular shopping block seeing me. I wasn't going to hide as I had tried hiding for so long and they still saw me. Yeah, but back in school I was back to the shenanigans.
At the time preaching and stuff that didn't seem like fun at all. In the end.....mom wins. I couldn't procrastinate forever. I went home and took the lecture about disobedience as all the rest of them were. Now I see how hard as a single mother she was working to protect us and it was inexplicably difficult as we were immigrants.
Not losing faith is important. All that lecturing mom did, I finally started to apply to myself and my life. Besides, moms always win.....because they can't "Un-mom" themselves or rather ourselves. My mother is responsible for the woman I am today. I wouldn't be a good mother if not for her. I thank her as much as I can. I just show up. Sometimes that's all you need to do is show up.
Faktor T, is the trust factor.
About the crasser above which is me sometimes.....I procrastinated because I didn't trust myself at the time to face my mom and tell her hey I am not missing prom. Because no amount of lecturing would have made me miss prom.
Its possible that if I had trusted myself enough to ask her, she would have absolutely let me go but I wasn't sure. I couldn't take the chances of her telling me no.....what? and disappoint all my friends who were also not telling their moms.
My friend had shown me a dress she wished to wear one day....a long time before the prom.....she got to wear it that day and she made us pick out of the long line of gowns and dresses for ourselves. What didn't fit we tried on until something fit. If that isn't a friend....I don't know what is!
Out of all four of us, only one told their mother.
Sidenote: that was the mom we all hung out at when we were not at my house because she looked out for all of us too like we were her own. She was also a believer in God and in prayer. Anyway... I wanted to keep it nice and error free....no mom to tell me no.....no problem enjoying myself.
And enjoy we did!
Trust is a very important element of humanity. You know what I trust? I trust the universe. I trust animals. I trust nature. I trust that I will be me, I trust my mom....after all..... like I said, she can't "Un-mom" herself. I trust my children......they can't "Un-kid" themselves from me either.
There is no point here this is a muse. I don't tell myself to have trust issues even though I have some. I think you can't go on not trusting something or someone. I trust myself, or at least I work on it as often as I can. Thanks.
See what it is pardon me....is that word we throw around but don't really give it much thought when we are upset at someone or something. Its starts with F. Its one of the easiest said words but can be difficult to pull off.
I'm talking about forgiveness.
In my opinion lets just acknowledge what forgiveness is "not."
Forgiveness is not forgetting. In fact, you can rage on for quite a while, however you need to acknowledge "whatever it is" that triggered your need to forgive......then do so as peacefully as you can manage.
No one can truly forget things that happen or is done to them that is hurtful, so do not pretend to sweep the slight under the rug like what happened to you and what you are offended about doesn't have a major impact on your life and those around you. You will need to acknowledge.
2. Forgiveness is not letting go of your hurt right away.
3. Forgiveness is not looking the other way....rather look that straight in the eye whatever it is and acknowledge this thing or person you need to forgive whether its from afar, or right next to you, family members, friends, co-workers etc.
4. Forgiveness is not for you to take the blame for anything done to you. Rather....accept that this happened, already. Can't be undone. Life is still good.....well how do I know that? you're breathing at the very least right now, you still have a chance to correct errors, right wrongs, encourage yourself to grow.
So what is it?
Forgiveness I mean........
In my opinion its acknowledging whatever, and choosing not to be angry about it. Its an invisible fabric that is apart of all of us. We cannot grow without forgiving. Forgiving does not omit wrong doing, it acknowledges it and puts it in the rear-view where it belongs so you can go on with splendor to the next adventure.
Last but not least.
You can't forgive others if you haven't even started with yourself.
Selfication and Selfeditation.
This will be my word to use for a summary of most things that has to do with myself. Its like a melding of self love, healing, alignment of your chakras all that good stuff I am wishing to have and continue to have and wishing for my family, my fans and all.
I am grateful to God always, so that is first who I am besides a mother or singer and writer. So, self healing I believe is something we all can use from time to time...but finding help to heal outside of yourself is also "Selficating." Meaning you are still choosing to assist yourself in finding true meaning, peace and beauty in whatever you do, whatever you see when you look at yourself whether that is through any type of spiritual exercise or art or any activity that boosts your positive side.
All the above but add meditation in that definition. Edit is in this for a reason, for me I had to come up with something I can probably remember. For instance..... selfeditation can come in many ways, consider what selfication above is and add meditation to self love, self healing, alignment of chackras and meditation routines which comes in so many different ways to do and I say you are now familiar with selfeditation in my opinion.
One other way to selfedit is if your doggie is high maintenance sort of. Example: I put food in nice plate, its formulated for her, except it wasn't gourmet enough. I had a conversation with a four legged animal.....I said "nice doggie, eat now" and she just gives me a look like, "That isn't gourmet lady you know me." But, I push a little and tell her, "Good food, good doggie." She didn't buy it, so I "selfedit," and go make or go get or go buy her something she likes or we can't be real cool, she has made that clear. Thanks for reading.
My name is Tracy and welcome to my site and blog page. Thanks for stopping by. On this page I will try to catalogue some things or pivotal moments I feel have made me who I am. There may even be moments that are not so pivotal but more like a muse, a funny memory or otherwise. Be warned though, I may take things off, I may re-edit or remove things. If you happen to read something and it isn't here anymore, its because I am either re-editing, or getting ready to add something else. Also, some of the things I say on here may be understandable and some may not, and sometimes I may not blog or add anything for a while. It's okay with me if you don't understand me or what I write, I mean no ill will in my words or what I write so don't take it personal if it offends you that's just not my aim. My blog or this page is created for me, and for my fans or anyone who wants to come on here and read what I write.